personal, prose

confession

A while ago, I had some pretty serious depression. And I knew it was depression for a lot of reasons, but most disturbingly, I had lost complete interest in music.
(This blog has been some wonderful therapy.)

Over the last week, I have felt moved to spontaneously sing love songs. I haven’t done this for a very long time, when I think about it, and, admittedly, it was over chocolate. But still, it was a very good sign.

I confess, though, there was some slight collateral damage…

Me: (opening fridge and seeing the chocolate chip hot cross buns I had forgotten about. My heart bursting into the chorus of “Silly Love Songs” by Paul McCartney and Wings.)

I…….LOVE…….YOU…….
(notes dripping smiles)

Husband: (in another room) Awwww, I love you too, Honey.
(Pause. A very distinct pause).
Did I hear you open the fridge?

I kid you not. He actually asked me that. And then he said:
Are you actually singing to the hot cross buns?

Now kids, we will be married for twenty two years this June. That is a whole other post that I probably won’t write. But, I will say, we are at a point where we can laugh heartily at our foibles, rather than be so offended by them. Well, in this scenario, I can only speak for myself when I say that I wasn’t offended.

I am pretty sure he was laughing, too. And not in that sympathy way…pretty sure…

(I did find it alarming, however, that he knew exactly what was happening without witnessing any of it. Come to think of it, being a sort of introvert, that kind of offends me.)

But I really did think it would be a one off deal. The whole thing surprised me. Until a couple of days later, after we had a glorious evening meal outside in the spectacular autumnal caress of divine weather known as autumn – he had cooked up a lovely, well balanced summer meal for himself, and I had a punnet of strawberries and a snickers bar, you know, the things I would imagine you would pick from the trees in the garden of Eden.

I took our dirty dishes (or in my case, packaging) inside.

Sunshine,
my only sunshine,
you make me happy…
is, of course, not what was
BURSTING OUT OF MY HEART AS I HELD THE CHOCOLATE WRAPPER…

Standard

47 thoughts on “confession

  1. Lovely post to read…..in front of chocolate or cream I usually don’t let lay enough time to sing to them before eating them…..may be I should try.
    P.s
    Mental state and music have a funny relationship in me too.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. S_MW says:

    I’m so sorry that you’ve had depression too. I hope you don’t have it anymore. In the 14 or so years that I was clinically depressed, I don’t remember losing my interest in music. In fact, I’d say it was the one thing I didn’t lose (apart from weight – I put that ON). I lost so many things though, my interest in sex, my ability to clean, to cook, function…but the worst thing I lost, was my sense of humour. I would have mourned it properly had I not lost my ability to emote! I just remember that nothing amused me for a very long time. I got it back eventually along with my desire to create art and photography and to write. To this day, my humour gets me out of the doldrums. I no longer get depressed, not ever! I refuse to let shit get me that down.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Did you? I was the same, I lost my sense of humour as well, when it was really bad. (Not for 14 years though, you poor thing!) Then I knew things were in a terrible state. The music thing lasted longer, well, like you said, just not even really functioning! I read a helpful quote, that depression is not the opposite of happiness, but of vitality. Mine was a mix of undealt with grief, chemical sensitivities and some genetic factors. I am so glad you are in a better place now! Thank you for sharing that. xo

      Liked by 1 person

      • S_MW says:

        I’m in a whole different place now. Postnatal Depression morphed into the common or garden variety. Chemical too mostly, I expect, but it’s well documented now. This blog struck a chord with me, touched a nerve to the past. X

        Liked by 2 people

    • Hi! haha I started out feeling bad I had been singing to chocolate, and not to him, poor guy, but then when I thought about it LOL! Egads, I still can’t believe he figured out exactly what was happening so quickly. It was hilarious. (And I say that laughing. Both times 😀)

      Liked by 1 person

      • For me that shows how together you and he are. There’s something to be said for comfort. The favorite part of relationships for me are when they know me so well I don’t really have to express much before they understand a look or an action by me.
        You two are a lovely testament for love, ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

        • Yes, comfort, security, can be so under rated. But those things are so foundational to the definition of “home”. This is such a big topic, and so multi dimensional. I think maybe we are a testament to miracles 🙂 and I say that half facetiously.
          In all honesty, and it is hard to say this without sounding cheesy or clichéd, but it has boosted my spiritual life. There is something going on that is so much bigger than us, outside of us, that has guided and supported and patiently waited for us to learn some lessons we needed to learn. (er still learning, always learning). I could go on, but it’s kind of making me emotional. ugh.
          It is hard, in this time of scepticism, to write about the experiences we have had. But you are lovely and understanding, and also patient when we disagree 🙂 and maybe one day I will say more.
          Thank you for your beautiful comment 💖

          Liked by 3 people

          • Lol……you mean when you and I disagree?
            Well, of course I’m understanding, even if our views differ. I adore you first of all, but each person is entitled to their beliefs and views on life and I have no false assumption that either I’m right or that I have to convince anyone of anything. In fact, I have more unanswered questions than opinions. My unanswered questions only reinforce that there is still much to discover so who am I to be argumentative rather than encouraging of differing views? I suppose exactly like that post I made the other day. Lol
            While I’m not sure why this is applying here in this commentary I’m thinking it might have to do with a belief in god. And I understand your hesitation, sometimes things just feel better undiscussed. Lol. ❤️

            I have listened to you explain the hardships you endured within your love. I actually take those into cconsideration every time I make a comment about how much I observe a deep love between you two. Lol. But you truly are a beautiful example of how committed love works into a beautiful thing. Perhaps you being in it don’t exactly see it the same, or the footprints of it were so difficult that when it’s complimented you can’t really aeperate the two, the work it took to get to the place you are at. I understand and sharing that everytime I share with you how beautiful you both seem to me is okay. 🙂 It’s very real.

            I don’t believe everyone is made for such long relationships, I’m not sure any of us were created as such. Or evolved that way. 😉 it goes against our nature, regardless what particulars and confines we’ve given love/relationships. (A point we likely disagree on 😋) but on the flip side, it takes a great deal of work to being a good human, here’s my ending thought, a little bit of hard work will obviously, through your example, can bear us beautiful fruit we never thought possible. 😘

            Liked by 2 people

            • Of course you are understanding, because you are you 💕. Lots of people, however, aren’t…they don’t know how to discuss anymore.
              I am not worthy of your adoration, but I cherish it. And it is mutual!
              And I don’t have time now to respond to all of this, but I do agree in the sense that the older I get the less I know. But there are some factors for me that have proven to be true and consistent.
              Thank you for your lovely, and thoughtful comments xxoo

              Liked by 2 people

  3. Singing into a fridge is a sign of brilliance Vanessa backed by many years of research. Elvis Presley used to open his fridge and sing, “Don’t step on my blue suede chouxs.” It is alright I have got my coat and am already leaving 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Oh your post made me grin…especially your husband figuring out you were singing into the fridge – and not to him…when I bite into something extraordinarily, I break into a Fred Astaire mini-dance as I sing ‘Heaven, I’m in heaven…’. Glad you’ve found your music. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for a number of years now and music does sort of find its way to the back burner during the hardest times. If I can remember to put a bit of music on, it always helps…thanks for a lovely post…❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Pingback: I’ve Been Nominated for the Sunshine Blogger Award! – WEDNESDAY'S CHILD

  6. First of all, I am glad you have something (i.e. Blogging) as your companion to fight depression! And second of all, it seems like you have such an adorable relationship with your husband! I wish you guys the best of luck🌸 it was a joy to read this post!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Vanessa that was so funny! It read like a short movie. The reels were protruding from my eye sockets and playing out on my walls. I love the openness of your thoughts, seeing life’s quirks as comical and not something to hide because of some misplaced vanity. Please keep this up, I recently put myself in bed for a day due to a sugar overload, silly me. I am not a sugar person but chocolate well let me tell you. ahah

    Liked by 1 person

hi. friendly banter is always welcome.

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