personal, prose

this is not about clowns

person holding purple petaled flowers

Photo by Lisa Fotios on

So here’s a thing, our lives have taken an interesting turn because of a cancer scare for my husband. He has had pancreatitis for years, and we were told a long time ago, he most likely will be a candidate for cancer at some point. Now he has growths in his pancreas. One is not currently cancerous, we are hopefully finding out more soon about the other one. We are remaining optimistic at this point. But they are large growths and one of them is in an inconvenient place and we will still have to make decisions on what to do about them.

The last few weeks have been quite a roller coaster, as we pondered me being a widow much sooner than we ever anticipated. I won’t lie, it scared me. It also scares me what my husband could potentially go through (believe you me, I have signed every petition I have come across to have medical marijuana legalised here. It’s reprehensible to me, the pharmaceutical strangulation that goes on. But that’s an angry poem for another time). Now we are not trying to think along those lines, but our world has truly been shaken, and I see everything so differently.

I want to thank some of my WP friends for your support and prayers, I am so grateful. I know it has made a difference to our peace of mind.

Naturally, I have been pondering the preciousness of life and today a number of things had me thinking about suicide. Tonight I opened some mail from Lifeline Adelaide. Apparently, eight Australians take their own lives every day. I can’t help thinking that that is a conservative statistic just based on what we have seen/heard since we have moved here.
I am sure there is no one reading this who hasn’t had suicide impact them in some way.

I don’t know what the answers are. But I’m sure we can agree that social media perpetuates so many myths about people that certainly don’t help the situation.

From our life in church ministry, (and our own lives of course) I can assure you that we have found:

  1. Everyone is broken. Everyone. There is no such thing as the perfect person/couple/family/life. You are not alone.
  2. Sometimes your family is not your family. Don’t be beholden to or manipulated by your abusive family just because you are blood relatives.  And certainly don’t be staying because of vows you have made. The abusive person has already well and truly broken those vows. And it is not your fault they are abusive. It is not your fault.
  3. Remember that what you see on social media is only a tiny snippet of the full picture, if at all. That apparently well put together person could be in real pain behind the mask.
  4. Our culture, generally, doesn’t respect the elderly too well, but they have incredible stories and wisdom to share. You may be surprised at what someone has endured, and there may be a point of connection you had no idea about.
  5. It’s an INSANE miracle that you even exist.  And not just that you are made up of matter that emits energy, but you are alive. With consciousness. Statistically, that is beyond comprehension. It’s a freaking miracle. (And if you want to read an article that can blow your mind even more about how amazing it all is, check this out:
    Riddle of matter remains unsolved From article: ‘”All of our observations find a complete symmetry between matter and antimatter, which is why the universe should not actually exist,” explained Christian Smorra, first author of the study.’)
  6. We all have our own opinions about existence and spirituality, or the lack thereof, but there is one thing I stick to – I am not competing with you. I have no interest in that whatsoever. Life is short, and profound, and despite all, there is Love. And I sincerely hope, that if you are ever in the darkest time, you will remember that you are not alone.
  7. If you are in Australia and you do need to speak to someone urgently, Lifeline’s number is 13 11 14. Their website is: Lifeline Australia

55 thoughts on “this is not about clowns

  1. Vanessa, my thoughts are with you. Thankfully here in Canada, we have legalized marijuana and the rights of assisted suicide for the extreme cases. These are just a small part of living with dignity and hopefully with less pain. Your life is upside down right now but it will change. The sad thing is that this has become common, sad because it’s very real and numbers don’t make it any less. True you are not alone but again it doesn’t stop you from feeling it. My heart goes out to both you and your husband. It does sound like he has the best person at his side fighting with him. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. I personally think, in this day and age, the pain factor shouldn’t even be an issue – I would so love to see palliative care at a place that we want to stay alive as long as possible, life is so precious. Sigh, but that’s the broken world we live in.
      Thank you again.🧡 Hope you’re well?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you Vanessa, I have more good days than not :). The Men with Hats really pulled me out of what could have become a dark day :).
        Still learning how to live as a widow. What would I do without poetry, art and my blog friends? Just knowing that someone is willing to read our words is so essential to our mental health, don’t you think?
        namaste my friend

        Liked by 1 person

        • Oh Tamaya, I am so glad if you do have more good days than not, and that that silly video helped!
          And yes, I agree, connection is essential, and doing it through beautiful and thought provoking means is one of the joys of life!
          And thank you! Blessings on you, my friend.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I am sorry to read what you and your husband have been going thorough my dear Vanessa, please know my prayers now include you both. In your time of doubt and sorrow you are reaching out to console and bring comfort to others and I am thinking what a lovely soul you have to be able to do this at a time when you have all the right to be angry and disillusioned. Thank you for this amazing write and i will be reading your words throughout this week and thinking about you. Know love surrounds you and holds you tight.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Gina, thank you so much.
      I feel grateful that things aren’t urgent right now, that we have been given time to work though things.
      And I am very grateful for your lovely spirit, thank you. I do feel the love, and I hope you are doing okay too sweet friend.


    • Benign
      Sorry, I pressed send too soon.

      Australian suicide stats are terrifying. Especially for boys and men. Life is so precious.

      My thoughts are with you and your fam…

      Side note: I didn’t know you were Aussie!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you for your comments Amberley!
        And yes, it is tragic!
        And thank you!!

        And yes, I am an Aussie! My husband is American. As they say, we are separated by a common language haha After we were married we lived for ten years in Colorado, now we have been 12 years in South Australia. Holy moly. Time goes fast. Life is truly precious.


        • You are welcome… I understand what this time is like… waiting for test results to come back is terrible.

          Lol “separated by a common language” wow that’s a long time… I think it is a good time to be living here in Aus… compared to what it seems like over in the US right now.
          Life is very precious… living that life fully is also important

          Liked by 1 person

            • Yes, I had one a few years back. I unfortunately didn’t have a nice partner to support me through it… I had a partner, just not a nice one! I was having scans for something unrelated and they found tumors in my hip bones… it took over 6 months and so many horrible tests to get a definite benign diagnosis. Best word in the world. Plus I was in and out of hospital for over health things… lol it was a terrible year.
              So, I completely understand how horrible it is. You are a good woman for staying strong with your husband… 🙂

              Liked by 1 person

              • Oh Amberley, that is horrible. And I agree with you, benign is the best word ever, I am so happy for you you were okay. Sometimes those accidental finds are such a gift. But hospital is hardly the place to get well either. I hope that is all okay for you now?
                And I am sorry about your partner, I am guessing it’s the one you have written about (when we were talking about domestic violence?)
                You are inspiring!!!

                This experience has been good for our marriage to challenge our perspective I think. I’m grateful for that.
                Thank you for your kind words 🙂


  3. I should have been paying closer attention. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for what you and (especially) your husband are going through. I was one of those with suicidal ideation for years. I’m glad that’s over now, although I still couldn’t tell you how I managed to stumble out of that particular murk. Life IS precious. And although I no longer believe in miracles, there is a part of me that still hopes for one within your situation.

    Liked by 3 people

    • No need to apologise dear Tony! This is the first time I have mentioned it on WP, I had only told a few people who I email with.
      And did you? Gosh Tony, I am so glad you did come out of it!!
      Thank you for your kind words. I hope things are better for you today as well. 💚

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I hope your husband reports comes out fine. And I do hope you both a long happy life ahead. Coming to your post now, I loved it to the core. From everyone is broken to your family may not be yours was just so beautifully written. God speed. May peace and happiness prevail.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I am crying. As soon as I hit number 6. Much much love for you Vanessa. I am crying for you and with you and I am going to pray right now for you if that’s okay. I love that you are in this world. You’re wonderful and bless your husband as well.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh what a beautiful post…I am so sorry to hear what you and your husband are going through…I am sending my prayers and the best, most healing energy… every once in awhile, someone writes something in a post that seems as though it was meant just for me. Your words “The abusive person has already well and truly broken those vows.” did that for me. Thank you so much…

    Liked by 1 person

hi. friendly banter is always welcome.

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