easier said than done…

…that is, adding a title. I really think it’s one of the hardest things ever in the history of, I assume, everything.

This is a very strange thing, coming back to this draft page. My life is very different now in some ways. But I have missed the blogging world, and wanted to check in.

Hello to anyone finding themselves here. I’m sorry I don’t even know who’s still around anymore. I hope to have the chance for more reading.

The last few months have been rather hectic for my husband and me. He has endured a liver obstruction and severe jaundice, had a liver stent put in to save his life. Spent a few weeks recovering before having surgery to remove his pancreas, gall bladder and spleen. It turns out the dormant cysts in his pancreas suddenly became malignant. It’s a very long story of a life time of issues. Now we are in the decision making process for chemotherapy as there is a very high chance of the cancer returning as soon as a year. If he does the intense chemo, there is a 50% chance, apparently, of complete cure.

We don’t normally decorate for Christmas this early. We normally do it all very last minute the week of Christmas, sometimes the night before Christmas Eve. But heck. Things are very different now. We have been decorating our hearts out, embracing everything that is fun and brings joy. And as cliched as it sounds, miraculous things have happened the last few months. It’s effected us spiritually in profound ways. Hundreds of people prayed for Darrin, and our, sometimes skeptical selves, were blown away by the effects. As were the hospital staff. Darrin’s pain doctor told him she had never seen anyone come out of such radical surgery and do as well as he did. She was amazed. And I have even more respect for the complexity of the human body. I can’t find the words for everything that has happened. Eloquence of any kind escapes me. I’ve been in survival mode.

I know for a lot of people, prayer still ends with heart ache. That’s been true for us at different times too. But then later, we have been surprised by a beauty from the ashes we could never have foreseen. This world is fallen and broken and too often, truly shit. And I believe humans need to start taking a lot more responsibility for that. But I do also believe God can bring good out of anything. This event has bonded our church community and we are so richer for it. But I don’t think I should write anymore. I don’t feel capable to write anything that truly encapsulates our experience or emotional state. Maybe another time.

I miss reading all of your wonderful work. I hope you are well despite the challenges of this year. And now when I say “well”, I don’t necessarily mean healthy. But I hope and pray you have peace. My goodness, how fragile and short is this life.

If you need some laugh therapy… from an Aussie comedian.

Featured image from Pexels

27 thoughts on “easier said than done…

  1. ebonyandcrows says:

    I am so sorry that you have been caught in a storm of such personal tribulation on top of everything that has been going on in the world. Thank you for this update—I really missed your presence on here and it warms my heart to see a post from you even though it is filled with both tragedy and sparks of light throughout. That is a beautiful picture of you both. My heart goes out to you and Darrin—cancer is such an ugly beast and brings such devastating blows. My struggle in the past has been finding the reality of God in moments where the trials of life have been so overwhelming that it feels hopeless and like God is so far away, or even worse, a figment of our imagination. How can something invisible be the thing against which I throw my whole weight? But I have come to find out that He is real and I will pray that He comes through for you in a very real way. Sending my love ♥️ Xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. saynotoclowns says:

      Larisa, I really love and appreciate this comment. Very relatable! But I am happy to say He has definitely become so much more real for us, and I am so happy that has happened for you too. Our egos so often get in the way, and I am grateful God works in spite of us. It has been a profound time for Darrin. He is such a strong person normally and relies on that too much. This time he was truly at the end of his strength and tether and could not go on. That is when, he said, he truly felt angels swoop in to catch him, and he was carried along by the love and prayers of everyone around him. Christ was so very near and took care of details that blow us away. I can’t put it into words. He gave us a peace of mind that we could not have conjured ourselves. It’s been amazing.
      Thank you so much for your love and your prayers. xxoo


    2. saynotoclowns says:

      And thank you for this! I haven’t read it yet, but I certainly understand what you are getting at with the name! 🙂
      I have a good friend, Chad Bird, who writes and talks about this all the time. He’s a public speaker and author and has an incredible story. One of his books is called, ‘Your God is too Glorious’ and is about the hidden ways of God etc.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Jo says:

    Oh my gosh! Hello! Glad you’re… still with us! And Darrin too. What the heck? I was actually thinking I needed to drop you a mail and see how you were doing. (It’s been on my ever burgeoning to do list)

    What a completely rubbish year it’s been for you guys… I’m so sorry. (I never know what to say, so I’ll just default to the standard settings).

    In any event thinking of you. Send my regards to the other half.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. saynotoclowns says:

      Hey Jo!! So great to see you!! Thanks so much for dropping by, and for thinking of me anyway. I really appreciate that. Have also been wondering how the heck you are these days?
      Anyway, will come back to this later when I have more time Xo

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Anonymous says:

    Maybe lol.
    It feels like everything has come full circle seeing you here.
    As in our email, your life touches me deeply. You know the story of my father and I so I relate to many of the things you’ve described to me and in here. Relationship changes being the most amazing and wonderful. I’m sorry pains touched you both in this manner. I’m always amazed at your outlook and strength
    I have witnessed the same, great beauty following tragedy. It’s the way life seems to ebb and flow.
    Glad to see you and glad I finally got to! 😜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. saynotoclowns says:

      Thank you for your lovely comment! I certainly don’t feel amazing and strong! I really appreciate your kind thoughts.
      It does feel a bit strange to be back on here. And I just realised before, that we “met” four years ago. So much has happened!
      Your life touches me so deeply too dear Anonymous. Right from the very start. I consider it one of the greatest gifts in my life that our paths crossed.


  4. Steve Simpson says:

    Hello Vanessa. Perhaps we don’t really know anyone on the internet, or perhaps, through poetry, we do a little. I am sorry to hear of your trials, and, although it’s very late, I am sending you and your husband loving kindness, Stephen.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. saynotoclowns says:

      Stephen! My goodness, this was in January. And I haven’t been on here since then. Or if I have, I have forgotten it in a blur of denial of the surreal state of our world!
      Thank you for your well wishes back then. I am very happy to say that Darrin has survived 6 months of chemo, and is now on a break from it, hopefully forever. Signs are looking really good, although we have learned to not take anything for granted.
      How are things with you?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Steve Simpson says:

        Hi Vanessa. Great to hear that the chemo outcome is looking very positive, and thank you for letting me know.

        I’m in a locked down part of Sydney. I’m pretty okay, doing my usual stuff, altho the research side is on hold, because Sydney. *sighs* But the world is not okay at all, as you are no doubt aware.

        Best wishes and metta, Stephen

        Liked by 1 person

        1. saynotoclowns says:

          Thank you!
          Gosh, my heart is breaking. Just like that, Australia is a police state.
          I was just watching footage of the Melbourne protests yesterday (I stopped watching the MSM coverage ages ago), and I’m in disbelief that there were riot police shooting rubber bullets, BBs, and using pepper spray etc, for an unarmed crowd. Can anyone explain why on earth it’s become a crime to peacefully protest?
          I have tried a couple of times to write a blog post, but I can’t do it. I just feel I’m in a constant state of shock and mourning.
          Have definitely learned to appreciate the gifts in my life and the people in it!

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Steve Simpson says:

            Oh, I do hope it all works out, Vanessa. The Buddhists talk about first acceptance and then appreciation. I find these are not easy steps in certain areas. And as you can tell, nothing has changed with me, still don’t know what I’m doing with WordPress …


        1. saynotoclowns says:

          Hi B! Great to hear from you! I am so happy that you are doing really well. I saw your site was private and wondered how things are.
          We are amazed Darrin is not only alive, but well. Obviously, the world keeps shoving it in our faces that we need to take one day at a time 🙄 but we are trying to resist the fear mongering as much as possible.
          Thanks for stopping ❤


  5. strawberry0043 says:

    Thankyou. 330 am~ looking to Jesus for comfort. Youversion next cause it can read to me. (My right eye has a growth on its nerve)
    So glad for my blog and people like you!
    Thanks 😊

    I need this tonight. Early morning waking is a beautiful and convenient (reliable quiet time) if painful of grief 💔 it seems.

    Liked by 1 person

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