36 thoughts on “Oh Love, what a big ending/beginning

      1. Jo says:

        How are you and the big guy upstairs? I’d be so angry. (I know we are sorta on opposite ends of the spectrum on this. But I think I’d be sad if your faith took a hit.

        I guess, you got to say goodbye. Thats something. I know that doesn’t really soften anything. But I’m reaching. You know me, I’m rubbish when it comes to death and knowing what to say.

        Anyways, know that I’m thinking about you.


        1. saynotoclowns says:

          Honestly Jo, so many amazing things happened his whole life. It’s amazing he survived his childhood with the unique health issues he had. Every step of the way, incredible people came along and did remarkable things to help him.
          In the end, it was a merciful thing he went.
          Might be easier to email. (But I will say, my faith has actually been strengthened. I was so fortunate to be with him when he died and it was an amazing experience).

          Thanks for your thoughtful comment. Really. ❤️

          Liked by 1 person

    1. saynotoclowns says:

      Hi dear B, thank you! Your words and spirit are beautiful. ❤️
      I’m so fortunate to have some lovely friends who are grieving with me. I agree that it’s so important to take time for that!
      Thank you. Love you too


      1. Blogging_with_Bojana says:

        I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer in Nov. I know what it feels like… Honestly, I don’t think you’re ever ready for such a loss. I thought I was going to die. That’s how bad it was. So I took some time…These days I tend to talk of the good stuff about her, to my big surprise, without breaking down each and every time. You have them with you all the time, cherish it. They are like a light house, our most precious scars.


        1. saynotoclowns says:

          Yes, nothing prepares you for it!
          Spending a couple of years caring for him…then as it was all ending, I just wanted to go with him.
          I’m so grateful I was with him. After he was unresponsive for hours, he slowly raised his head, and his eyes opened wide. They hadn’t opened like that for days. I knew what was happening. He stared at me, and pure understanding flowed between us. It was incredible. And whatever he saw past me, utterly amazed him. Then he slowly lowered his head and stopped breathing. It was profound and beautiful and a peace came over me I can’t explain.

          The grief is holistic isnt it…my whole body and spirit cry out. So complex, years of layers.
          I make sure to grieve over specific things as well, as painful as it is. I’ve found that very helpful.

          I’m so glad if you’re at a place where you don’t break down every time. It’s exhausting, isn’t it? One step at a time, I keep telling myself.

          Liked by 1 person

hi. friendly banter is always welcome.

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